kareina

Some of you might remember that back in April I had posted about having fallen head over heels in love and discovering that, this time, it was very mutual, but the surrounding situation was also very complicated.

Now, more than five and a half months later, we are even more head over heels in love with one another. Despite living a couple of hours apart we are spending many hours a day together: talking over the phone during his morning commute to work, typing in messenger now and then (ok, often) over the course of the day, often again talking on the phone when he gets off of work and is running errands, and meeting every night in zoom to do yoga together and talk for a while before sleep. Some days he stays at his dad's, and then we either do a zoom workout before drives to work or we are on the phone while he walks in.

Sometimes, if he will be busy at home on the weekend, and he gets off of work a little early, he drives up here for the evening on a work night, and then gets up at 04:00 to head to work the next day. Other times, if he works some insane overtime one day he gets the next day off, and drives up here right after work to enjoy the following day with me. More often we spend some or all of the weekend together. Working on projects, doing acroyoga, working out, talking, cuddling. Even though this technically counts as a long-distance relationship I think we are spending more time together than do many people who live together, and we are crazily happy with one another.

His wife, on the other hand, told him a couple of weeks ago that since she can't cope with sharing, and he wants to be with me, that this means that their relationship is over. While he would have liked to have kept her as a partner as well (and I would, of course, be good with that), he also accepts that if this isn't what she wants then his only choice is to accept her decision. On the other hand, even though she has said that it is over, I am not convinced that she has really accepted her decision on this point. While she won't talk to me (I do reach out now and then, but she isn't ready to reply to emails yet, and she carefully avoided being near me at the event the weekend before last), her posts to social media, and what I have observed from a distance of their interactions make it clear that she is still seriously mourning what she feels she has lost and there is a fair bit of anger.

I truly wish there was something I could do to help, but I understand that, at least right now, there isn't. That makes it hard on me, since from my perspective she needn't have lost anything at all. People are supposed to learn to share in kindergarten. Why, then, is it so easy for some of us to automatically be polyamourous and feel that it is natural to share, and others are so very averse to sharing they become consumed with pain and anger at the very thought that they can't be the sole possessor of someone's love?

They have not, as of yet, begun to really discuss just what "over" will look like in their lives. He has told her that just because they aren't together doesn't mean she can't continue to live with him, and he fully expects to continue to support her, at least for some time to come (given her many health conditions she hasn't been able to work in years). Nor have he and I worked out where/when how we will live together, just that we wish to, and are certain that everything will work out. Neither of us give the impression of being in a hurry to resolve the details--mostly we are just too busy being happy together.

I just got an extension on my work contract, so I will continue to be employed at the museum archives part-time through the end of October, so I have that much longer to finish my paper (which, likely, would have been done by now had I been spending more time working on it and less time enjoying time with my love, but I feel no regret on this point) and figure out where we want to live, and what kind of work I want to apply for.

Our calendar is kinda full.

Mondays are nyckleharpa--one week at a friend's house doing Swedish folk music, the next at our house doing medieval music.

Tuesdays are choir (but C. doesn't join lord_kjar and I for that, as choir singing isn't her thing, so she is using the time to go to exercise classes at the gym, as she is an extrovert who is getting way more alone time than she needs just now while she is looking for work, and I am working more hours than normal)

Wednesdays have been unscheduled

Thursdays are Frostheim

Fridays we have had a "husmöte" scheduled

Saturdays don't have anything regular scheduled, but they tend to fill up

Sundays are folk dance.

After today's meeting (since we didn't actually manage Friday's "husmöte" last week, since he didn't get home from work till quite late, and then there was no energy left for such things) we took up the topic of finding a balance between quality one-on-one time for each pair in the relationship, and quality time for all three together and quality time alone, and quality time doing stuff with people outside the house. After tossing around ideas, we decided to keep the basic schedule, but add in some specific date times, on a rotating basis. Since he is still craving more time with her than with I (due, in a large part, to having been long distance for so long) we decided that we will alternate Wednesdays, one week they have a date night, the next he and I have a date night. On the weeks that they have a Wednesday date we will still have a meeting on Friday, which is really mostly just some quality time curled up on the couch together talking all three of us. On the weeks he and I have a date on Wednesday they will have a date on Friday. That gives them specific date time every week, and he and I every other week, but also gives me an every week opportunity to spend time with O., if he wants it (without obliging him to do so if he doesn't).

In the short term she and I will do our date time together during one afternoon in a week after I am home from work and before he comes home, but once she finds work we will have to adjust accordingly, depending on her work schedule.

Those "date nights" might wind up being time to work together on projects, or time for cuddles, or music, or dance, or whatever we happen to feel for, but putting them on the calendar increases the odds that we make time for one another and nurturing all of the relationships in the house.

Still loving falling into an already established social life. This morning archinonlive's parents came over for a visit. This was the first time they'd seen him since his birthday last month, so they brought cinnamon rolls, and we baked a cake. This cake was sweeter than I normally go for, since he thought his parent's would prefer a sweet cake, but since it was filled with fruit (bananas and raspberries) and cream and frosted with more cream and decorated with segments of mandarin orange and kiwifruit I happily ate a slice anyway. (His dad had 4ths of the cake over the couple of hours we visited, so I think he approved). I like his parents, but wasn't able to talk as easily with them as with his brothers and sisters, as they don't speak English as fluently as the kids do. They left at mid-day, which left time for lunch and snuggles before heading over to gaming.

I'm enjoying the gaming--the group of people are fun, and the characters they are playing all have distinct personalties. After gaming some of us stuck around for dinner (and a few others joined us), which was early enough that I was still able to eat. It is nice to enjoy a meal with others now and then. After that we came home and practiced reading aloud to him from children's books. I really appreciate his patience in being willing to do this with me. While I'm still not good enough in Swedish to want to attempt to speak it in front of witnesses, trying (and failing and getting corrected till I can say it correctly) while curling up in the lap of a loved one is very nice.

I am very happy here, and really enjoying being in a relationship again. I know that he must have some points upon which we aren't compatible (everyone does!), but though I've been here a month, and we had a month of video conversations before I arrived, we still haven't found the places where we are incompatible. Even our taste in colour is matched; I have to look closely at the clothes after washing them to determine whose is whose because the colours are identical. Now that I've got a local phone number he gave me an old mobile phone he had lying around to put my Italian SIM card into, in case I get any calls to that number. Normally I prefer a plain phone--no fancy wallpapers or themes for me, I'm content with a solid colour (blue is good) with no embellishments. This phone came to me with a weird blue wallpaper that has some sort of blue ball in the middle, and swirls of other blues around it. Wanting something plainer I spent some time trying to find something I'd like better. Eventually I gave up and commented to him that I'd failed in my quest to find anything on the phone that is prettier than the one he'd used. He agreed that it wouldn't have been his first choice, either, but it was the best of what was available.

Tomorrow is the SCA fighter training in the morning, music and folk dancing in the late afternoon and evening. If I'm really lucky I'll also find a bit of time in between to do some uni work--last week's effort was back up to the kind of hours I think I should be working (well, if you count Swedish homework as well as geology stuff), and a few hours on the weekend will help keep the average number of hours worked up where I want it.