relationship update
Aug. 13th, 2021 08:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kareinaSome of you might remember that back in April I had posted about having fallen head over heels in love and discovering that, this time, it was very mutual, but the surrounding situation was also very complicated.
Now, more than five and a half months later, we are even more head over heels in love with one another. Despite living a couple of hours apart we are spending many hours a day together: talking over the phone during his morning commute to work, typing in messenger now and then (ok, often) over the course of the day, often again talking on the phone when he gets off of work and is running errands, and meeting every night in zoom to do yoga together and talk for a while before sleep. Some days he stays at his dad's, and then we either do a zoom workout before drives to work or we are on the phone while he walks in.
Sometimes, if he will be busy at home on the weekend, and he gets off of work a little early, he drives up here for the evening on a work night, and then gets up at 04:00 to head to work the next day. Other times, if he works some insane overtime one day he gets the next day off, and drives up here right after work to enjoy the following day with me. More often we spend some or all of the weekend together. Working on projects, doing acroyoga, working out, talking, cuddling. Even though this technically counts as a long-distance relationship I think we are spending more time together than do many people who live together, and we are crazily happy with one another.
His wife, on the other hand, told him a couple of weeks ago that since she can't cope with sharing, and he wants to be with me, that this means that their relationship is over. While he would have liked to have kept her as a partner as well (and I would, of course, be good with that), he also accepts that if this isn't what she wants then his only choice is to accept her decision. On the other hand, even though she has said that it is over, I am not convinced that she has really accepted her decision on this point. While she won't talk to me (I do reach out now and then, but she isn't ready to reply to emails yet, and she carefully avoided being near me at the event the weekend before last), her posts to social media, and what I have observed from a distance of their interactions make it clear that she is still seriously mourning what she feels she has lost and there is a fair bit of anger.
I truly wish there was something I could do to help, but I understand that, at least right now, there isn't. That makes it hard on me, since from my perspective she needn't have lost anything at all. People are supposed to learn to share in kindergarten. Why, then, is it so easy for some of us to automatically be polyamourous and feel that it is natural to share, and others are so very averse to sharing they become consumed with pain and anger at the very thought that they can't be the sole possessor of someone's love?
They have not, as of yet, begun to really discuss just what "over" will look like in their lives. He has told her that just because they aren't together doesn't mean she can't continue to live with him, and he fully expects to continue to support her, at least for some time to come (given her many health conditions she hasn't been able to work in years). Nor have he and I worked out where/when how we will live together, just that we wish to, and are certain that everything will work out. Neither of us give the impression of being in a hurry to resolve the details--mostly we are just too busy being happy together.
I just got an extension on my work contract, so I will continue to be employed at the museum archives part-time through the end of October, so I have that much longer to finish my paper (which, likely, would have been done by now had I been spending more time working on it and less time enjoying time with my love, but I feel no regret on this point) and figure out where we want to live, and what kind of work I want to apply for.
Now, more than five and a half months later, we are even more head over heels in love with one another. Despite living a couple of hours apart we are spending many hours a day together: talking over the phone during his morning commute to work, typing in messenger now and then (ok, often) over the course of the day, often again talking on the phone when he gets off of work and is running errands, and meeting every night in zoom to do yoga together and talk for a while before sleep. Some days he stays at his dad's, and then we either do a zoom workout before drives to work or we are on the phone while he walks in.
Sometimes, if he will be busy at home on the weekend, and he gets off of work a little early, he drives up here for the evening on a work night, and then gets up at 04:00 to head to work the next day. Other times, if he works some insane overtime one day he gets the next day off, and drives up here right after work to enjoy the following day with me. More often we spend some or all of the weekend together. Working on projects, doing acroyoga, working out, talking, cuddling. Even though this technically counts as a long-distance relationship I think we are spending more time together than do many people who live together, and we are crazily happy with one another.
His wife, on the other hand, told him a couple of weeks ago that since she can't cope with sharing, and he wants to be with me, that this means that their relationship is over. While he would have liked to have kept her as a partner as well (and I would, of course, be good with that), he also accepts that if this isn't what she wants then his only choice is to accept her decision. On the other hand, even though she has said that it is over, I am not convinced that she has really accepted her decision on this point. While she won't talk to me (I do reach out now and then, but she isn't ready to reply to emails yet, and she carefully avoided being near me at the event the weekend before last), her posts to social media, and what I have observed from a distance of their interactions make it clear that she is still seriously mourning what she feels she has lost and there is a fair bit of anger.
I truly wish there was something I could do to help, but I understand that, at least right now, there isn't. That makes it hard on me, since from my perspective she needn't have lost anything at all. People are supposed to learn to share in kindergarten. Why, then, is it so easy for some of us to automatically be polyamourous and feel that it is natural to share, and others are so very averse to sharing they become consumed with pain and anger at the very thought that they can't be the sole possessor of someone's love?
They have not, as of yet, begun to really discuss just what "over" will look like in their lives. He has told her that just because they aren't together doesn't mean she can't continue to live with him, and he fully expects to continue to support her, at least for some time to come (given her many health conditions she hasn't been able to work in years). Nor have he and I worked out where/when how we will live together, just that we wish to, and are certain that everything will work out. Neither of us give the impression of being in a hurry to resolve the details--mostly we are just too busy being happy together.
I just got an extension on my work contract, so I will continue to be employed at the museum archives part-time through the end of October, so I have that much longer to finish my paper (which, likely, would have been done by now had I been spending more time working on it and less time enjoying time with my love, but I feel no regret on this point) and figure out where we want to live, and what kind of work I want to apply for.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 01:35 pm (UTC)I'm polyamorous, and find that natural in ways that "learned to share" seems orthogonal to. The thing about learning to share (or to be patient, or any number of other things we're supposed to learn while growing up), is that people can learn to put up with something but still dislike it.
Did your new partner's wife think she would be happy with, or at least could accept, sharing his time and attention until they tried it? I suspect she's finding your genuinely friendly emails reaching out to be irritating, even if she believes that you would have been happy to share.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 02:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 01:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 02:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 05:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 05:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 03:24 pm (UTC)As for sharing -- I am hardwired to not share partners; I am as certain in that as I am in being a woman and in not wanting children. And yet I completely understand and respect that other folks are wired differently than I. :)
It's important that partners are wired similarly, wherever they are on the schematic.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 03:38 pm (UTC)I really agree that it is important that partners are wired similarly, wherever they are on the schematic, and, since they clearly are not, I am kind of surprised that they stayed together as long as they did.
Part of my problem with understanding the other viewpoint, I think, is that I am so hardwired to think that sharing is normal, that it is easy for me to confuse "not sharing" with the people who think it is ok to treat others as property, and I really don't think that any form of slavery or person ownership is ok. I suspect that most natural monogamists don't think of their viewpoint as crossing the line into "ownership" of another, yet it sometimes comes across that way when they speak, and when it does, I twitch.
I also see people who are deeply and sincerely unhappy because someone they love loves someone else, and I can't help but think that life is too short to be so upset, especially in response to love, which is a good thing. Ah well, as you say, I do respect that others think differently, but that doesn't stop me from wishing that it didn't make them unhappy.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 03:49 pm (UTC)And yes, in your last paragraph I see the sadness there. Life is definitely too short to be unhappy.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 04:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 04:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 04:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-13 04:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-14 02:25 pm (UTC)Much much love and strength. <3 <3 <3
(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-14 07:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-20 09:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-17 01:03 pm (UTC)Maybe if he made a point of devoting time specifically to Wife without you being involved at all would be reassuring to all parties that this is a group effort?
I've known a rather self-contained polycue (no steady additional partners for 20 years now) that occasionally has to sit down with the schedule to make sure they all have their time/needs met let alone adding on some temporary adventure.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-20 09:22 am (UTC)When he and I first figured out that our feeling were mutual, and he told her about having fallen in love with me her, her immediate reaction boiled down to "not acceptable, don't go there", at which point he did his best to make it clear through words and actions that none of this changes his love for her in any way, and, for the first several weeks, she actually got more of his time and attention than she had been getting for many months (at least since they moved house). This in part because he and I talked about new relationship energy and I pointed him to some on-line poly resources. He took to heart the advice about working to balance time/energy, even when basking in the glow of new relationship energy.
Unfortunately, while he did his best to give her the time, energy, and expressions of love that she presumably needed, she had only the hurt and anger to share with him, much of which was expressed in high volume (like me, she is somewhat hearing impaired, so I suspect that she wasn't "shouting", even if it sounded like that to others). Unsurprisingly, this led to him being less inclined to spend time at home, which meant she started alternating between demands that he must choose between us (to which he replies "jag vill inte välja någon bort" (I don't want to choose anyone "away") and telling him that she felt that "you have already chosen her and don't want me" (to which he would say "that isn't true, I want to be with both of you because I love you both").
When I told him (again) yesterday that I love him from the bottom of my heart and that it brings me joy to have him as such an important part of my life but I am very sad that his loving me cost him his relationship with her, he replied (translated to English) that he also sorrows over that part, but he sees that it is a direct consequence of him loving me and refused to "choose me away" (that phrase makes so much more sense in swedish) plus a consequence of her attempts to require that he "choose away" someone he loves. He also says that he is aware that neither he nor she could have made any other decisions in this situation and be true to themselves.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-20 04:48 pm (UTC)All my poly knowledge is second-hand and theoretical, so I have no good advice to give I'm afraid. The two of them certainly have to settle matters between them before anything can be settled with you. This might be a long and/or ugly road. I hope it all comes out okay.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-08-20 06:01 pm (UTC)