even when complicated, love is joyful
Apr. 5th, 2021 02:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kareinaI have always falling in love easily and often--the easiest path to my heart is simply to be a good friend, share quality time with me, share common interests with me, and do fun stuff with me. In recent years a number of the people I have grown to love are both much younger than I, and not interested in any sort of romantic relationships, though we continue to be close friends, and I had begun to think that it was unlikely that anyone was going to fall for me again, though I knew it was inevitable that I would continue to fall for others.
One such other, is a friend I first met about five years ago. I got to know his wife first, but soon came to think that they are both delightful people. It wasn't until summer of 2018 when a visiting friend took an amazingly good picture of him at an SCA event, which I kept re-opening just to admire, that I begun to suspect that I might be getting a crush on him.
In November he was one of the 6 people to attend the Norrskensfesten zoom event from my living room (two of the others who were also here are some of my "unrequited loves"--people who I have fallen in love with and would happily have a romantic relationship with, but they aren't interested in me). That weekend we put one couple to sleep in the guest room down stairs, E. and I took my bed, one person slept at his own home, and this new crush was given a mattress on the floor of the office. He looked so cozy there I was very tempted to snuggle up next to him, but, not having any idea what sort of relationship he and his wife have, I didn't mention it, but I very much enjoyed his company.
In January he posted a video of a pell-work session he did (the northern fighters have been doing that regularly, and then meeting on Discord to watch them to critique their sessions and find things to improve, in hopes that when normal fighting resumes again, they will all have better technique to apply), and I found myself watching it, not to look at the mechanics of how he is throwing the blow so I could offer feedback, but only for the joy of watching him move. At which point I sent his wife a message saying "I was just paging down FB, and came to a video of him doing pell work, and stopped to watch it, and found myself wondering when it was that I started to develop a crush on him? This didn't seem like the sort of thing I should mention to him, but hope that it makes you laugh, anyway..." She replied that it made her smile, and it would likely have made him blush.
Over the course of the pandemic it has happened more and more often that we are in the same zoom sessions, and as time progressed, often we were the last two in the session and continued talking. We have also gradually increased the frequency with which we exchange instant messages. At first it was challenging, as he is one of my few friends who has the patience to consistently speak Swedish with me, no matter if we are typing messages or speaking in video calls. If I have to switch to English because I simply have no idea how to express a concept he will reply in Swedish and the conversation continues. As a result I found myself seeking out his company both because I enjoy it, but also because it is good practice for me.
The more time we spent together, the more time I wanted to spend with him, and somewhere in there my feelings crossed the line from "crush" to "in love", but I didn't really consider that the feeling might be mutual--I read the interaction as just being really good friends who enjoy doing stuff together. Even after he started joining Johan and I for evening yoga over zoom, and then would hang out afterwards and talk with Johan till Johan said goodnight, and then talk with me for another hour (never mind that he needs to get up for work at 05:00) I was still reading it as a friend who isn't interested in me (since that is what I have had for years now). Never mind that our interactions would read to any other observer as two love-sick people gazing longingly at one another from afar--I am good at missing clues from the other side.
Three weeks ago E. was once again was having a challenging enough mental health time that I felt that she really needed more time with some cats and/or dogs. Since my crush often has a cat snuggled up on his lap during zoom calls, and I was talking with him on the night that it happened I asked if they wanted visitors that weekend (they had Covid last November and recovered quickly, so are not so likely to be contagious with it, and not so likely to catch it again if we had it without knowing it, so it felt like a reasonable risk compared to the very real risk of E choosing suicide if she didn't find a way to get past the current crisis). He said yes, so we drove the 2.5 hours down on Saturday.
I had a fun visit, and it was good to see their new house (they moved this year) and to get to visit with his wife, and snuggle the cats. I continued to interpret the interaction between he and I as "really good friends" and tried not to think too much about how attracted to him I am. E. needed more time with the cats than just the weekend, so I left her there on Sunday and returned on Tuesday afternoon to bring her home to get ready for her asylum interview. During that visit I became aware of how long we held one another when hugging, and how many casual touches our interaction include, and begun to suspect that what he was feeling for me might actually go a bit further than friends.
Therefore, after spending time working up my courage, I finally asked him (in Swedish) in a conversation over messenger what sort of relationship he and his wife have, and are they monogamists? He replied that the answer is both simple and complicated. That he is one who falls in love easily and deeply, and continues to love everyone he has ever loved, but his wife is very much a one person at a time kind of person. Therefore he has limited himself according to her preferences. However, he is, in fact in love with me, as well as being still very much in love with her.
I let him know that I, too, fall in love easily and often, and that I am, in fact, very much in love with him. I let him know that I am used to unrequited love, having so many of them these days, and if that is how it is to be, that is ok, I won't love him any less for that, and I will continue to enjoy doing things together. With his knowledge and consent I also sent her a message reminding her of my comment about that crush back in January, and asking her what kind of relationship they have, and are they monogamists? I also pointed out that while I do have a crush on him, she is twice as beautiful, since she has twice as much hair as he does. She replied that they are monogamists, and that they would prefer just being friends. I wasn't surprised that this was her reply, and set about trying to convince myself that having an unrequited love wherein the object of my affections was also very much in love with me, and would clearly like to requite it wouldn't be any harder than having an unrequited love who isn't interested in me that way.
We continued to talk daily, with text messages back and forth over the course of the day and staying in zoom well after evening yoga finished, sometimes talking, and others just gazing at one another with love in the eyes. But, of course I can cope with unrequited, right?
He needed to head north this weekend anyway--he had plans to do some fighter training with one friend, check fitting on a helmet in progress for another, and needed to check out the smithy at Grundet, the site that Frostheim uses to store our stuff and do summer archery, fighting, crafts, and social gatherings, as well as smaller camping events.
So he came up on Friday evening and hung out with E and I for a little while. Then he helped me finish the sturdy new dulcimer stand I was working on. We managed to finish it on time for evening Yoga over zoom with Johan, and, as usual, we hung out for a short time after yoga chatting with Johan. Then I finally asked the question I had been avoiding--did he want me to make up a guest bed on the floor, or did he prefer to sleep in my bed? He prefered to sleep holding me. I prefer this option too. I was convinced that I could handle just curling up next to him and resting my head on his shoulder to sleep, since I have, in fact, done just this with more than one unrequited love who wasn't attracted to me. I probably could have too.
But instead we talked about our feelings for one another. The fact that on previous times when he has fallen in love with someone else the way he handled it was just try to avoid spending a lot of time with them. The fact that it much easier to not kiss someone if they don't want the kisses. The fact that we both very much wanted the kisses. Eventually we shared them.
The weekend was amazing--we interact like long established partners doing stuff together effortlessly, yet with all the New Relationship Energy that comes with first understanding that the person one has fallen in love with returns it in full measure. This is a person I could happily move in with as a permanent nesting partner, and I would happily join he and his wife in their home, and help with the house renovations and run SCA events together, and, and, and.
Today he has sat down with her and is talking with her about his feelings for me, and the fact that this does not change his love for her, and she is feeling stressed. I wish there was something I could to to help her feel better, and he knows that I will happily talk with her if it will at all help. There is nothing I can do but wait and see, and hope that it works out without anyone getting hurt.
In the meantime, here are some photos of the rose he made me:
I really wasn't expecting a gift when he came up this weekend, though I had made one for him--a little soapstone Stone Age fishing line sinker. I had previously seen a bunch of plain ones online, and thought of making him one already the summer of 2018, when he made the soapstone carving tool for me, but never got further than putting the idea onto my list of project ideas (along with that link). Then the week before last it was his turn to do the mini-lecture at the local A&S zoom meeting, and he spoke on Medieval Fishing, which reminded me of the idea, and I looked again at the idea, and also did a bit more research, and found figure 13 of this paper, which is much prettier than the ones from the first link.
Therefore I decided to give it a try, and this is what I wound up with:
Yah, I am better at stone carving than I am taking photos of the project, but he was very happy with it, and I am happy with how it compares with the orginal.
One such other, is a friend I first met about five years ago. I got to know his wife first, but soon came to think that they are both delightful people. It wasn't until summer of 2018 when a visiting friend took an amazingly good picture of him at an SCA event, which I kept re-opening just to admire, that I begun to suspect that I might be getting a crush on him.
In November he was one of the 6 people to attend the Norrskensfesten zoom event from my living room (two of the others who were also here are some of my "unrequited loves"--people who I have fallen in love with and would happily have a romantic relationship with, but they aren't interested in me). That weekend we put one couple to sleep in the guest room down stairs, E. and I took my bed, one person slept at his own home, and this new crush was given a mattress on the floor of the office. He looked so cozy there I was very tempted to snuggle up next to him, but, not having any idea what sort of relationship he and his wife have, I didn't mention it, but I very much enjoyed his company.
In January he posted a video of a pell-work session he did (the northern fighters have been doing that regularly, and then meeting on Discord to watch them to critique their sessions and find things to improve, in hopes that when normal fighting resumes again, they will all have better technique to apply), and I found myself watching it, not to look at the mechanics of how he is throwing the blow so I could offer feedback, but only for the joy of watching him move. At which point I sent his wife a message saying "I was just paging down FB, and came to a video of him doing pell work, and stopped to watch it, and found myself wondering when it was that I started to develop a crush on him? This didn't seem like the sort of thing I should mention to him, but hope that it makes you laugh, anyway..." She replied that it made her smile, and it would likely have made him blush.
Over the course of the pandemic it has happened more and more often that we are in the same zoom sessions, and as time progressed, often we were the last two in the session and continued talking. We have also gradually increased the frequency with which we exchange instant messages. At first it was challenging, as he is one of my few friends who has the patience to consistently speak Swedish with me, no matter if we are typing messages or speaking in video calls. If I have to switch to English because I simply have no idea how to express a concept he will reply in Swedish and the conversation continues. As a result I found myself seeking out his company both because I enjoy it, but also because it is good practice for me.
The more time we spent together, the more time I wanted to spend with him, and somewhere in there my feelings crossed the line from "crush" to "in love", but I didn't really consider that the feeling might be mutual--I read the interaction as just being really good friends who enjoy doing stuff together. Even after he started joining Johan and I for evening yoga over zoom, and then would hang out afterwards and talk with Johan till Johan said goodnight, and then talk with me for another hour (never mind that he needs to get up for work at 05:00) I was still reading it as a friend who isn't interested in me (since that is what I have had for years now). Never mind that our interactions would read to any other observer as two love-sick people gazing longingly at one another from afar--I am good at missing clues from the other side.
Three weeks ago E. was once again was having a challenging enough mental health time that I felt that she really needed more time with some cats and/or dogs. Since my crush often has a cat snuggled up on his lap during zoom calls, and I was talking with him on the night that it happened I asked if they wanted visitors that weekend (they had Covid last November and recovered quickly, so are not so likely to be contagious with it, and not so likely to catch it again if we had it without knowing it, so it felt like a reasonable risk compared to the very real risk of E choosing suicide if she didn't find a way to get past the current crisis). He said yes, so we drove the 2.5 hours down on Saturday.
I had a fun visit, and it was good to see their new house (they moved this year) and to get to visit with his wife, and snuggle the cats. I continued to interpret the interaction between he and I as "really good friends" and tried not to think too much about how attracted to him I am. E. needed more time with the cats than just the weekend, so I left her there on Sunday and returned on Tuesday afternoon to bring her home to get ready for her asylum interview. During that visit I became aware of how long we held one another when hugging, and how many casual touches our interaction include, and begun to suspect that what he was feeling for me might actually go a bit further than friends.
Therefore, after spending time working up my courage, I finally asked him (in Swedish) in a conversation over messenger what sort of relationship he and his wife have, and are they monogamists? He replied that the answer is both simple and complicated. That he is one who falls in love easily and deeply, and continues to love everyone he has ever loved, but his wife is very much a one person at a time kind of person. Therefore he has limited himself according to her preferences. However, he is, in fact in love with me, as well as being still very much in love with her.
I let him know that I, too, fall in love easily and often, and that I am, in fact, very much in love with him. I let him know that I am used to unrequited love, having so many of them these days, and if that is how it is to be, that is ok, I won't love him any less for that, and I will continue to enjoy doing things together. With his knowledge and consent I also sent her a message reminding her of my comment about that crush back in January, and asking her what kind of relationship they have, and are they monogamists? I also pointed out that while I do have a crush on him, she is twice as beautiful, since she has twice as much hair as he does. She replied that they are monogamists, and that they would prefer just being friends. I wasn't surprised that this was her reply, and set about trying to convince myself that having an unrequited love wherein the object of my affections was also very much in love with me, and would clearly like to requite it wouldn't be any harder than having an unrequited love who isn't interested in me that way.
We continued to talk daily, with text messages back and forth over the course of the day and staying in zoom well after evening yoga finished, sometimes talking, and others just gazing at one another with love in the eyes. But, of course I can cope with unrequited, right?
He needed to head north this weekend anyway--he had plans to do some fighter training with one friend, check fitting on a helmet in progress for another, and needed to check out the smithy at Grundet, the site that Frostheim uses to store our stuff and do summer archery, fighting, crafts, and social gatherings, as well as smaller camping events.
So he came up on Friday evening and hung out with E and I for a little while. Then he helped me finish the sturdy new dulcimer stand I was working on. We managed to finish it on time for evening Yoga over zoom with Johan, and, as usual, we hung out for a short time after yoga chatting with Johan. Then I finally asked the question I had been avoiding--did he want me to make up a guest bed on the floor, or did he prefer to sleep in my bed? He prefered to sleep holding me. I prefer this option too. I was convinced that I could handle just curling up next to him and resting my head on his shoulder to sleep, since I have, in fact, done just this with more than one unrequited love who wasn't attracted to me. I probably could have too.
But instead we talked about our feelings for one another. The fact that on previous times when he has fallen in love with someone else the way he handled it was just try to avoid spending a lot of time with them. The fact that it much easier to not kiss someone if they don't want the kisses. The fact that we both very much wanted the kisses. Eventually we shared them.
The weekend was amazing--we interact like long established partners doing stuff together effortlessly, yet with all the New Relationship Energy that comes with first understanding that the person one has fallen in love with returns it in full measure. This is a person I could happily move in with as a permanent nesting partner, and I would happily join he and his wife in their home, and help with the house renovations and run SCA events together, and, and, and.
Today he has sat down with her and is talking with her about his feelings for me, and the fact that this does not change his love for her, and she is feeling stressed. I wish there was something I could to to help her feel better, and he knows that I will happily talk with her if it will at all help. There is nothing I can do but wait and see, and hope that it works out without anyone getting hurt.
In the meantime, here are some photos of the rose he made me:
I really wasn't expecting a gift when he came up this weekend, though I had made one for him--a little soapstone Stone Age fishing line sinker. I had previously seen a bunch of plain ones online, and thought of making him one already the summer of 2018, when he made the soapstone carving tool for me, but never got further than putting the idea onto my list of project ideas (along with that link). Then the week before last it was his turn to do the mini-lecture at the local A&S zoom meeting, and he spoke on Medieval Fishing, which reminded me of the idea, and I looked again at the idea, and also did a bit more research, and found figure 13 of this paper, which is much prettier than the ones from the first link.
Therefore I decided to give it a try, and this is what I wound up with:
Yah, I am better at stone carving than I am taking photos of the project, but he was very happy with it, and I am happy with how it compares with the orginal.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-04-05 07:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-04-05 11:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-04-06 03:59 am (UTC)I agree that she made her boundaries clear, and that they have been crossed, and that that latter part I feel bad about. Having had a lifetime of sharing beds with friends wherein we were just friends before laying down in the bed, taking a bit longer, and then going to sleep, and were still just friends when we woke, I didn't feel at the time that giving him the choice of sharing the bed or not was crossing that boundary. Having shared beds with friends whom were not interested in kisses and not kissing them even though I would have very much wanted to if they had been interested I was certain that I could manage not to kiss him if he didn't initiate kisses. However, I also know myself well enough that I knew that if he initiated kisses I would return them (and I did). I can't regret sharing the kisses, but I will continue to consider your words, and will discuss them with him, and, hopefully, with her if she is willing to have such a conversation with me.
I wish you the best.
Date: 2021-04-07 06:08 am (UTC)I sincerely hope it turns out for the best, but as HRJ noted, there are clear danger signs. May your open eyes, heart and mind successfully avert uneccesary pain.
Re: I wish you the best.
Date: 2021-04-07 02:10 pm (UTC)