kareina

As I mentioned in my post on Saturday, 2 Dec, I took the night shift in mom’s room that night, but the next day when my aunt and sisters were able to come in I went back to Beth’s house, where the vague hint of sniffles I had been having suddenly blossomed into real sniffles and a drippy, very red nose, so instead of going back in that night I went to bed early and slept 8 hours, and Beth took the slumber party with mom shift. When I got up the next morning (Sunday) my sisters reported about mom’s craving for lemon cookies, and I baked her some (about which I have already posted). However, because I still had a cold, I didn’t bring them to her myself, my sisters brought them in to her. By Monday afternoon I was feeling better, so I joined my friend Martin for dinner at an Indian Restaurant, and then he dropped me off at the hospital, where my sisters and aunt were just getting ready to head home. After saying goodbye to them mom and I had a good talk. She told me she loved the cookies, even though she couldn’t eat much of them. Then she commented that she sure wished she had some good words of wisdom for me, and I pointed out that she has been giving me good words of wisdom my entire life, and I started sharing a lists of things I felt that she has taught me. Each one I mentioned got her to smile. During that conversation she wondered, yet again, why she wasn’t dead yet (I don’t know, mom) and reminded me that she has had a good life and is ready to go.

A bit later she told me that she could see her mother, baking bread. I asked, and the kitchen in which her mother was baking was the one in the house in which mom grew up. I asked if grandma used to let her help with bread baking when mom was little (yes), and if grandma will let her help now (not yet). Soon thereafter the nurse came in with more cough medicine for her, and then she had me lower her bed tilt to a sleeping position and she put on her CPAP machine for the night. I did my yoga, and lay down to get some sleep myself. An hour later we were disturbed when a nurse came in for something, but we both went straight back to sleep. Then there was 45 minutes of sleep before the next interruption, followed by 1 hour and 20 minutes of sleep, and then three whole hours of sleep, which got us to 05:00, and instead of just going right back to sleep I got up and we talked a bit more, and I gave her some apple juice. She didn’t want any breakfast, commenting that she wished that she were hungry. She asked if anyone else was there, and when I said it was just she and I she asked again to confirm “just you and I?”. When I said yes she closed her eyes and settled back against the pillows like she wanted to nap again. I, on the other hand, didn’t feel for sleeping, so I picked up my computer and started doing stuff.

A bit later she made an odd sound, that didn’t sound like the coughing she had been plagued with for the past couple of days. The sound was disturbing enough I almost set down the computer and went over to check to see if she was ok. But then I remembered that she wanted to die, and it occurred to me that if this sound was related to her dying, and I interrupted her, and she didn’t die, she wouldn’t be very happy with me. So I stayed where I was, and she quited back down. I looked up to see if I could see any sign of her breathing, and before I could decide if I did or didn’t, her phone rang. She didn’t respond to the phone ringing, nor to my standing up to walk over to the phone, getting there just as the phone quit ringing. (I hadn’t recognised the name on the screen, so I wouldn’t have answered it anyway, especially at just that moment). Just then the nurse came into the room and asked how she was doing. I put in my hearing aids and told him that I couldn’t hear well enough to tell if she was breathing. He commented that as long as her chest was going up and down then she was still breathing, and I pointed out that previously her chest had been moving huge amounts up and down, but now it wasn’t. So he went over and looked closely at her, and then said that he would go and fetch the doctor.

While he was gone I called my sister. No answer. I called Amber. No answer. I called Kirsty (at 08:43). She answered just as the nurse returned with the doctor. I said “mom’s not breathing”, and Kirsty said they’d come right in, and quickly hung up so that they could finish getting ready. The doctor confirmed that mom was gone, and I reminded her that mom wanted to donate her organs, so they were welcome to take her to wherever that happens straight away. She said that it isn’t something they need to really rush, that they rush when there is a heart available for transplant, but mom’s has been too weak for that, and she left to start whatever paperwork etc. needed to happen next, and I set to work packing up our stuff and tidying the room. By the time my family arrived I had all of our stuff organised, packed into bags, and ready to go, save for the Christmas lights, which I took down after they got there and we all exchanged hugs.

One of the nurses gave us a packet of useful information about what needs doing after a loved one dies and we took the time to thank all of the staff that were present for their kindness to mom brightening her last days. Then we went home and had a meeting to plan out what we want to do, and when. Then we wrote up a thank you card for the staff and took it, and some chocolate, back to the hospital and I brought it in. The nurse on duty at the ICU entry desk was one of the ones we had spent lots of time talking with over the last few days, and she greeted me with “you guys aren’t still here are you?”. I explained that we had been home and were now on our way to Greenlake to take a walk, but we wanted to bring them the card and candy, and she promised to share with the others.

I hope that was the last time that any of us need enter an ICU ward, at least for a very, very long time.

Today (Thursday) is a holiday in Sweden, so we have had a productive day:

*one load of laundry washed
*one wall in the downstairs room painted (2 coats)
*one new strawberry patch location has been prepped including decorative stone fronting and a wooden frame
*one third of the strawberries from one of the two old patches has been transplanted to the new location
*one dead tree cut down
*part of a gravel pile moved so that it is now possible to drive the mini tractor/trailer past it
*one custom fit screen built for the downstairs bedroom window so we can open the window without letting in bugs (really important now that there is fresh paint on one of the walls.

Yesterday was the end of the semester party for our choir, held in conjunction with our normal band practice for those of us in the choir who like to make more music than just singing. We had seven of us here (which, sadly is most of the choir these days). I made nettle soup from the nettles growing in our yard (I could do this daily all summer and never run out of nettles) and they liked it so much that most of them had seconds. I also did a lovely gluten-free apple and red currant crumble, and I have a second batch of (possibly) non-gluten free oat and walnut crumble topping sitting in the fridge to use on another occasion; I remembered at the last second that I should have grabbed the other (certified gluten free) box oats, so rather than poisoning my friend I made more topping (without walnuts, since the last of them went into the first batch), and used it instead. I also made some yummy bread rolls, and one of the other members brought some yummy apricot bread he had made. It was a fun evening, and the last time we get to see a couple of the guys, since they are exchange students and will be heading home to their own countries soon (and one had already left and so missed the party).

Tuesday was our normal choir practice, and Monday was nyckleharpa (and dulcimer!) night, so it has been a music filled week.

Sunday we had Swedish Folk Dancing--we are now doing the final few rehearsals before the summer performances, so it is much fun.

Saturday day we helped lord_kjar's dad cut and split wood for the year. No where near as much as we did last year, since it was such a mild winter no one used up all of what we cut last year, and he and I don't need any, since we still don't have a wood stove, so the only time we used any of the wood was for one camping event.

Saturday night I spent on line at my 30th highschool reunion.

OK, I confess, I typed it like that because that phrase will not conjure up the correct mental image in anyone who didn't go to school with me. Steller was not your typical high school. It was an alternative school aimed at self-motivated students and it was an amazingly fun place to be for the six years I was the correct age to attend. This year marks the 40th Anniversary of Steller's founding, so they hosted a party at the school and Stellerites from all over went home for it, and a bunch of us connected to the event from our computers at our homes (including locations in Sweden, Germany, Main, Colorado, California, and Washington, that I know of).

I really enjoyed the evening. Because of the time zone difference (10 hours) between here and Alaska, I was on line for the event from 23:30 to 04:00, and loved every minute of it (well, except for the short time where the connection broke and it took a couple of minutes to get it back). I got to see some old friends and lovers, I got to meet some interesting new people, of all ages. One woman who was in the internet chat had been part of the first class to attend Steller the first year it opened (and so was just enough older than I that we wouldn't have met back them--she would have graduated before I started at Steller), another (the one in Germany) graduated last year. It was interesting comparing notes with them and learning that the wonderful school I attended was pretty much the same from the beginning, and is still pretty much the same as of last year.

One of the things that has eaten a fair chunk of my time lately was preparing the Memorial Wall, with posters in tribute to those Stellerites who have already died. This was a difficult task that wouldn't have been possible at all without the facebook groups for Steller alumini, but seems to have been much appreciated. One of my old boyfriends, who was actually at Steller for the party, came in to the computer lab to say hello, and let me know that he appreciated the wall, but when he came to the poster for Steven, one of our mutual friends, he burst into tears. This did not surprise me, I cried a bit when I gathered up photos of Steven from the yearbook. His was one of the deaths that would have been so easy to prevent, if he had only made some different lifestyle choices. But it was his life to spend wisely or to squander and I can only hope that he enjoyed as much as he got.

Friday was my student's and my last day in Finland working on the Microprobe, followed by a band practice at my house (which I got home on time for, because we finished with the probe nice and early that day)

Thursday was a quiet evening at my host's house in Oulu while she was at choir, and some fun visiting with her before and after her choir session, and that brings me current on the major happenings in my life since my last update. Hope things are as fun for the rest of you.

I keep meaning to post, but have been busy, so by the time I catch up on reading what others have posted here, on email, in FB, and on blogs I don't seem to have energy left to type. How different this is from when I spent all day, every day on the computer. I am enjoying not being on the computer much, but it has gotten at least one person to ask if I was ok because he hasn't heard from me lately, so I need to resume regular postings.

We have come into autumn here in the north--the trees with leaves are all showing greater or lesser amounts of yellow, and the morning air is kind of crisp. Last week lord_kjar and I managed to start our morning with a run three days a week. This week we managed only two--he wound up working till after midnight on Tuesday, so opted to sleep a bit longer on Wednesday morning, but I got up and went for a trike ride on my own--might as well do something resembling exercise, and, honestly, I like the trike much better than running. But the running is better exercise--I don't break a sweat pedaling, I do jogging, even at our slow speed (the loop we do is something less than 3.5 km (based on my bike computer, taking the paved path, which isn't quite the same as the dirt track we jog, but is close) and takes us 25 to 30 minutes right now, though he says that he has done it in 15 previously)

Why exercise when I am about as slender as I have ever been as an adult? Because I would like greater fitness, too. I am enjoying weighing in at 55 to 57 kg (121 to 126 lbs), and like how it looks in the mirror, but despite seeing the difference in how I look, I don't really feel very different from most of my adult life, when I ranged from 150 to 160 lbs. So, in addition to the morning sit-ups and evening yoga I am trying to add in a few more things than just walking to get to places which are close enough to walk.

Next week starts the Swedish Folk Dance class that lord_kjar and I will be teaching. I am looking forward to it--dancing is fun, and having to explain what the lady's steps are in Swedish will be good for me. I have already been taking care of the email correspondence for the class in Swedish--so far the questions have been "is there still room in the class" and "how much?", so after getting his help editing the answer for the first one I have been able to answer the others on my own (copy-paste is your friend), so they won't know till they meet me that I don't, actually, speak Swedish.

I rather like Sweden's health care system--they are proactive. I only just got my Swedish Personal number a week or so ago (that all important number which one needs to do anything in this country--even registering for a gaming convention requires the number), but in today's mail was a letter from the local health care service explaining that in Sweden one is expected to have a pap smear and gynecological exam every three years, and that I have an appointment scheduled for the 29th of September for mine (please let them know if that date/time doesn't suit and they will reschedule). The fee for this appointment is 150 kr (about €15). The letter explains the importance of the exam in preventing and/or catching cancer or other problems early enough to solve them, and encourages me not to hesitate but just come in. I did nothing whatsoever to request this appointment, I only requested the personal number--apparently that is all that is necessary to get added to the health care system and be given an appointment (at a clinic which is only 10 minute walk from my home, no less).

Today's plan was to do some pre-cooking for the SCA event I will be attending this weekend. It is being held by the next group to the south, so only a 1.5 to 2 hour drive away. The weekend is a "bring your own food" weekend, so we have agreed to share meals with a couple of friends who will be there. I started the day by making a pound cake filled with a raspberry/marzipan blend, and I also turned the rest of the marzipan into balls for the weekend. I then settled into the computer intending to relax with second breakfast for a bit while reading LJ/FB/etc. before deciding what period recipe I wanted to make for food to bring to the event.

That last part hasn't happened yet. I had paged only part way down the most recent status updates when I saw a note from a friend in An Tir commenting on the fact that he had just heard the news of the death of one of his FB friends he hadn't yet met in person and encouraging all of us to cherish all of our friends, because we never know how long we will have them. The friend in question was dorinda2212, who was one of my closest friends when I lived in Atenveldt (between 1986 and 1988). Needless to say, I promptly forgot about everything else I had meant to do, and went straight to her FB wall to read the good by messages that people have left there for her, and to leave my own.

It is funny, she has been someone I have missed in my life for more than 20 years, yet there is such a world of difference between "miss you, look forward to the next time we meet" (especially for a friend like dorinda2212, where we picked up from wherever we had last left off on each of the rare occasions we got to see one another in the years since I moved away) and "miss you, and will never get to see you again". The years were not as kind to her as they have been to me--she lost her first born son to drowning some years back and she has had some issues with her health over the years, yet through all that she remembered to laugh regularly, and was always a delight to visit with, be it in person or over the internet. I am so sorry she is gone, and feel bad for all of the people who were even closer to her than I was, and the pain they feel at her loss.

When he was home for lunch this afternoon I talked with lord_kjar about how nice it was to be able to go to FB and see the many messages people have left for her now that she is gone, and how in the case of another friend of mine who is gone the fact that some of his friends returned to his wall a year after he died to say goodbye again. We agreed that this is one of the nicest things about FB--the fact that death doesn't take away our accounts--it is possible to go back to the account of a loved one and leave them a message, even though they are no longer current in this time zone to actually see and respond to it.