seeing what you look for

[kareina]

One of my friends today had a post that got me thinking, yet again, of how we tend to see what we look for in this world. My default approach to people is to look for the traits they have that I like; others tend to see first the things they don't like. The post I read a bit ago was a reasonably typical post of the sort which are written in an entertaining manner to garner sympathy from friends--it described some of the trials and tribulations the writer was experiencing as a result of a visit from her partner's parents. Were one to base one's opinion on only that post alone one would gain an image of the parents as being critical of the world around them, their government, and in particular of the mother of their grandchild as well as holding political views that simply do not mesh with those of the writer (or even most of my friends, for that matter). However, as with all things, this is, and can be, only part of the picture.

I actually met the parents in question some years back--they are conveniently located along a path from point A to point B that many of my friends were taking, and they agreed to have 15 of us stay the night at their home so that we could break our journey into two reasonable sized chunks rather than one long trip. During that visit I found them to be generous (not only did they open their home, they fed us yummy food too, asking nothing in return), good natured, intelligent and lively, entertaining conversationalists who have a lovely home and a work shop of the sort I would wish to have someday. In short I really enjoyed their company.

Two very different perspectives of the same people.

I believe that no matter who you meet or spend time with if you are looking for things upon which you disagree you will find them, but if you look for ways in which you agree, you will find them too. It is very, very difficult for two people to disagree on absolutely everything, there are nearly always points of common ground, if one looks for them. Finding these points and sharing them makes spending time with others ever so much nicer and more fun than looking at the places we disagree.

The post in question generated many, many comments along the lines of "you poor dear" or "they are mad". For myself I offer my sympathies, not that the writer has to deal with such unfortunate visitors, but that the writer wasn't more successful in seeing the likable aspects of her partner's parents and in finding ways to truly enjoy their visit. While it can be fun to wallow in misery and say "woe is me for having to deal with this dreadful situation beyond my control", I think it is even more fun to find connections and common ground with people so that you can say "had a delightful visit, loved their company" (or even, "had a delightful visit, loved their company, even though their political views are dead wrong").

Comments

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Being related to many utterly charming and delightful people who are simultaneously appalling human beings in many ways, I believe it is entirely possible to be gracious and generous at the same time as being a twat.

It's not a matter of specific politics, for a left-wing example, my mum is one of the most PC people I have ever met and is an utter joy to hang out with, but I would not trust her responsibility quotient enough to give her a cat, let alone a dog or a child. I would send people to stay with her without question, because she is a genius at a short-term interaction. However, the reason she and I have a good relationship is because *I* work at it and long ago accepted that this was the way of things and it would be pointless trying for anything different. She and I have a lot of commonality and connections, but she is generally quite bad at Big and Important Relationships.

At her party recently, people lined up to tell me how much they loved her and how great she was in their lives, and this was all entirely true, she is an utterly brilliant friend. She was, however, a terrible mother, and I say this even though I like and love her. I, too, would be a terrible mother, which is why I have no kids. Of course, I did not mention this to any of her friends because I was minimally affected by her lack of skills and they have different, wholly fab relationships with her.

Inside and outside a family are totally different spaces. I do not think that it is the least bit possible to project from one sphere to another, because people are absolutely not the same in both spheres.

[kareina.livejournal.com]

You are so right! And I think you make part of the point I wanted to make even better than I could have--you have a decent relationship with your mother because *you* work on it. Any of us who feel like someone in our lives we must deal with (be it family even a coworker) is always unpleasant to be around do have the option of putting forth the effort to make time with them more pleasant by working on it ourselves. That is where my philosophy of looking for the good in anyone we meet comes in handy--if we focus upon the things we like about a person rather than their unpleasant traits it is easier to do the work required to get along with them...

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Yes, but I have an uncle who is Very Highly Regarded in his community who I pretend does not exist because he has never been anything other than horrid to me. If mum was less fun or less basically a decent person, I would have cut her off, too, for the same reason that I do not stab myself in the leg with a fork or ride a bike in Sydney any more.

After a sufficient number of negative experiences, it really is a waste of mental energy to always look for the positive. It's easier to say to yourself that the other person is crap, because the alternative is to let them convince you that there is something wrong with you, which is usually not the case. After all, you can't both be completely wrong, so you do need to come down on one side of the argument or the other.

[bodhifox.livejournal.com]

And it could be that they put on one face for strangers and another for family. No?

[kareina.livejournal.com]

Could be--see my reply to blamebrampton above.

[goddessofchaos.livejournal.com]

It's certainly true that different people can have very different reactions and opinions about others. I have, for example, met people who are very popular and who everyone says good things about and found them insufferable. It depends so much on your own attitudes and personality, plus the circumstances in which you encounter someone.

When I'm forced to get along with someone (when we work together, for example), I try to do what you mention here - find common areas and mostly stick to talking about those. However, there are some people who simply insist on turning the conversation constantly round to the same topics, over and over again, even if they're topics on which you constantly disagree, or on which they're criticising you. In those circumstances, it can be pretty hard not to form a bad opinion of the person and dread encountering them. I think in this instance that you mention, meeting people for the first time in a situation where they're deliberately being hospitable and having them as parents-in-law must show very different aspects of them. If you have a mother-in-law who constantly brings the conversation back around to criticising you, it can't be very easy to enjoy her company.

Personally, I tend to see both the good and bad in people and I do often vent about the bad. For me it's partly a coping mechanism (though at times I just actively enjoy having a bit of a rant!). I'm not a people person, at all, and find most people annoying, tiresome or draining in some way. Getting my issues with them out of my system by talking to other friends or posting on LJ often clears my head and allows me to get on with my relationship with them, without the negative thoughts crowding in.

[kahnegabs.livejournal.com]

My own take on this is that each of us sees life from our own perspective. I know that my mother did the best she could under terrible conditions.

As a result she committed physical violence on her children in hopes of training us. She was desperate and could not control 4 creative and adventurous kids by herself. It must have been terrible for her when she couldn't figure out how to handle us. She had a nervous breakdown at least twice, and yet soldiered on to support us financially in an era when women were seriously underpaid.

There were parts of my childhood that were awful and I still bear the scars. But I know she suffered from it too. I feel more sorry for her than angry anymore. I think she did the best she could.

[mushroom-maiden.livejournal.com]

Agreed, situations are what we make of them...

something somewhat related is what my psychologist says to me about how the more we think in a certain way, the more those neural pathways in our brain are reinforced and the more we are INCLINED to think in that way.

I have one friend in particular on twitter who is extremely negative all the time. When anything happens, she sees only the negative in it. She isn't always "my life sucks" but she is always "this thing happened and it sucks" or "today is going to suck". The more you have a negative outlook, the more negative things will seem...