seeing what you look for
Apr. 15th, 2011 09:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kareinaOne of my friends today had a post that got me thinking, yet again, of how we tend to see what we look for in this world. My default approach to people is to look for the traits they have that I like; others tend to see first the things they don't like. The post I read a bit ago was a reasonably typical post of the sort which are written in an entertaining manner to garner sympathy from friends--it described some of the trials and tribulations the writer was experiencing as a result of a visit from her partner's parents. Were one to base one's opinion on only that post alone one would gain an image of the parents as being critical of the world around them, their government, and in particular of the mother of their grandchild as well as holding political views that simply do not mesh with those of the writer (or even most of my friends, for that matter). However, as with all things, this is, and can be, only part of the picture.
I actually met the parents in question some years back--they are conveniently located along a path from point A to point B that many of my friends were taking, and they agreed to have 15 of us stay the night at their home so that we could break our journey into two reasonable sized chunks rather than one long trip. During that visit I found them to be generous (not only did they open their home, they fed us yummy food too, asking nothing in return), good natured, intelligent and lively, entertaining conversationalists who have a lovely home and a work shop of the sort I would wish to have someday. In short I really enjoyed their company.
Two very different perspectives of the same people.
I believe that no matter who you meet or spend time with if you are looking for things upon which you disagree you will find them, but if you look for ways in which you agree, you will find them too. It is very, very difficult for two people to disagree on absolutely everything, there are nearly always points of common ground, if one looks for them. Finding these points and sharing them makes spending time with others ever so much nicer and more fun than looking at the places we disagree.
The post in question generated many, many comments along the lines of "you poor dear" or "they are mad". For myself I offer my sympathies, not that the writer has to deal with such unfortunate visitors, but that the writer wasn't more successful in seeing the likable aspects of her partner's parents and in finding ways to truly enjoy their visit. While it can be fun to wallow in misery and say "woe is me for having to deal with this dreadful situation beyond my control", I think it is even more fun to find connections and common ground with people so that you can say "had a delightful visit, loved their company" (or even, "had a delightful visit, loved their company, even though their political views are dead wrong").
I actually met the parents in question some years back--they are conveniently located along a path from point A to point B that many of my friends were taking, and they agreed to have 15 of us stay the night at their home so that we could break our journey into two reasonable sized chunks rather than one long trip. During that visit I found them to be generous (not only did they open their home, they fed us yummy food too, asking nothing in return), good natured, intelligent and lively, entertaining conversationalists who have a lovely home and a work shop of the sort I would wish to have someday. In short I really enjoyed their company.
Two very different perspectives of the same people.
I believe that no matter who you meet or spend time with if you are looking for things upon which you disagree you will find them, but if you look for ways in which you agree, you will find them too. It is very, very difficult for two people to disagree on absolutely everything, there are nearly always points of common ground, if one looks for them. Finding these points and sharing them makes spending time with others ever so much nicer and more fun than looking at the places we disagree.
The post in question generated many, many comments along the lines of "you poor dear" or "they are mad". For myself I offer my sympathies, not that the writer has to deal with such unfortunate visitors, but that the writer wasn't more successful in seeing the likable aspects of her partner's parents and in finding ways to truly enjoy their visit. While it can be fun to wallow in misery and say "woe is me for having to deal with this dreadful situation beyond my control", I think it is even more fun to find connections and common ground with people so that you can say "had a delightful visit, loved their company" (or even, "had a delightful visit, loved their company, even though their political views are dead wrong").
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Date: 2011-04-15 02:51 pm (UTC)As a result she committed physical violence on her children in hopes of training us. She was desperate and could not control 4 creative and adventurous kids by herself. It must have been terrible for her when she couldn't figure out how to handle us. She had a nervous breakdown at least twice, and yet soldiered on to support us financially in an era when women were seriously underpaid.
There were parts of my childhood that were awful and I still bear the scars. But I know she suffered from it too. I feel more sorry for her than angry anymore. I think she did the best she could.