No, I don't think that the happy mono people are missing out. However, based on the statistics on the number of people who cheat (remembered from school psychology classes, so I can't really cite a source on that one), I do think that the vast majority of people are missing out. At one end of the spectrum there are people who are happily committed in a monogamistic relationship, at the other end of the spectrum there are people who are happy to have multiple relationships, each one of which has an amazing depth, richness, and intensity.
In between are the vast majority of people who are not 100% happy with what they've got, but because society says that they are "supposed" to be monogamist try to live that lifestyle, and fail--some of them time and time again. (Or, in some cases one of the two finds the monogamy easy and truly wants no one else, but the other partner cheats, and then the "faithful" one is devastated and blames themselves, when, really, the problem isn't them.)
I submit that while some of them might be happier if they just had a different partner (that mythical "right one" for whom they are truly willing to "forsake all others") many more of them would be happier if they lived in a culture which accepted that monogamy isn't the only alternative, and if they quit "cheating" and instead choose to communicate with their various partners about what they are doing with whom.
I don't wish to convert happy monogamists into a poly life, but I do want people who are poly by nature to never, ever, lie to their partners and claim to be monogamists--because when they do they give a bad name to both the monogamists they claim to be, and to the poly community, which teaches that one must be honest with all of one's partners (of whatever degree of connection) about the fact that they aren't the only person in one's life.
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Date: 2010-05-05 06:38 am (UTC)In between are the vast majority of people who are not 100% happy with what they've got, but because society says that they are "supposed" to be monogamist try to live that lifestyle, and fail--some of them time and time again. (Or, in some cases one of the two finds the monogamy easy and truly wants no one else, but the other partner cheats, and then the "faithful" one is devastated and blames themselves, when, really, the problem isn't them.)
I submit that while some of them might be happier if they just had a different partner (that mythical "right one" for whom they are truly willing to "forsake all others") many more of them would be happier if they lived in a culture which accepted that monogamy isn't the only alternative, and if they quit "cheating" and instead choose to communicate with their various partners about what they are doing with whom.
I don't wish to convert happy monogamists into a poly life, but I do want people who are poly by nature to never, ever, lie to their partners and claim to be monogamists--because when they do they give a bad name to both the monogamists they claim to be, and to the poly community, which teaches that one must be honest with all of one's partners (of whatever degree of connection) about the fact that they aren't the only person in one's life.