It is very interesting to see which aspects of what I thought I was saying each reader sees and responds to. From what I could tell when I was writing (and can still see in the word on the screen) I stated that today's poly culture emphasizes honesty and communication, I stated that I see monogamy as requiring an aspect of self denial for all but those rare few for whom falling in love really does mean that they are truly interested in only one person. I did not, in any way, address in the original post the fact that monogamist relationships also require communication and honesty to work, but I did state that in a reply to one of the comments. I did state that the cheating culture is based on a combination of dishonesty and lack of communication.
Then, for reasons of balance I contrasted what I see as the biggest advantages of the poly community with the biggest disadvantage I see for each of the other two options. Since Monogamy also requires honesty and communication, I contrasted the right to love whomever thou wilt on the poly side, with the limitations of loving the first (or current, depending on the strictness of one's definition) person to whom you commit on the monogamist side. I then contrasted the both of them against the dishonesty inherent with the cheating culture side of the triangle. The balance of the sentence made sense to me when I wrote it, but, clearly, to very few (any?) of my readers.
To me, the whole point of the essay is that I have joy that we've got choices--one can buy into the cheating point of view, one can choose monogamy, or one can choose polyamory. One of these choices I totally disprove of. One of them I see as appropriate for a much more limited subset of the population than Hollywood would have us believe is true, and the other is the one I am happy with for me.
I don't equate monogamy with buying into the cheating culture, but I do know that a terribly high percentage of the "cheaters" out there *claim* to be doing monogamy. Perhaps if there were less of an emphasis on monogamy in our culture, fewer people would lie about doing it...
And the "bad example" you refer to above is one of the reasons I've always chosen communication and honesty, and asked it of my partners. I don't every want some busy body coming up to me and saying "do you know what your partner has been up to?" (as happens as a result of that person's actions more than once), without being able to say "why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
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Date: 2010-04-26 07:17 pm (UTC)Then, for reasons of balance I contrasted what I see as the biggest advantages of the poly community with the biggest disadvantage I see for each of the other two options. Since Monogamy also requires honesty and communication, I contrasted the right to love whomever thou wilt on the poly side, with the limitations of loving the first (or current, depending on the strictness of one's definition) person to whom you commit on the monogamist side. I then contrasted the both of them against the dishonesty inherent with the cheating culture side of the triangle. The balance of the sentence made sense to me when I wrote it, but, clearly, to very few (any?) of my readers.
To me, the whole point of the essay is that I have joy that we've got choices--one can buy into the cheating point of view, one can choose monogamy, or one can choose polyamory. One of these choices I totally disprove of. One of them I see as appropriate for a much more limited subset of the population than Hollywood would have us believe is true, and the other is the one I am happy with for me.
I don't equate monogamy with buying into the cheating culture, but I do know that a terribly high percentage of the "cheaters" out there *claim* to be doing monogamy. Perhaps if there were less of an emphasis on monogamy in our culture, fewer people would lie about doing it...
And the "bad example" you refer to above is one of the reasons I've always chosen communication and honesty, and asked it of my partners. I don't every want some busy body coming up to me and saying "do you know what your partner has been up to?" (as happens as a result of that person's actions more than once), without being able to say "why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do."